apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
