I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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