I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
