No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
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