remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
