um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
