So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
