I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
