I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
