today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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