remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
