i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
