The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
