Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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