So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
