Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Cover your peen. We're going out.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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