Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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