Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
