Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize