She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
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