i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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