Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
