she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
