How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
