The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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