Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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