my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
