you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize