And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
