I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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