im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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