I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
