i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
