Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
So squirting runs in the family.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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