i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
This is the high leading the old right now
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
