I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
