dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
they need to just BURY HIM!
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize
