it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
