theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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