sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
