I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
