I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
