Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
