You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize
