curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
