I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
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