I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
