I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
My vagina just recognized that song.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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