My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
