I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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