I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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