Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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