please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
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