My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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