Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
