doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
