I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
