I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
