Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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