That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize