You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize