The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
