ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
