Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
