How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
