you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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