I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Randomize
