Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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