My sheets look like a crime scene.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
