So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize