You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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